Rants of Mine and Others. Political, Personal, Ecological.

May 2, 2010

How Much. . . by Lar

As blue as the summer sky,

That’s how much I love you.

As deep and wet as the ocean,

I’ll always be that true.

As gentle as the fawn in the field,

As bright as the midnight star,

As strong as the angels faith

Is how strong our love bonds are.

As powerful as a tornado wind,

As right as anything can be,

As silent as a tear drop,

That is your love for me.

There are not enough words

To describe my love so true.

So let me show you the rest of our lives,

Because that’s how much I love you.


You ask how much do I love you

well I could write a rhyme

but it’s been done and given us

from lovers back in time,

who knew how much real love can be

and set the standard high

it measures all the love in me

that grows as time goes by.

To feel the touch, and see the sight

and hear and smell, the senses all,

to think of you both day and night

to know that this is love so right,

and so how much do I love you?

I’ll say these words all true

if I could measure love, I’d be

forever measuring for you.

I never knew that I could love anyone,

As much as I love you.

I never knew I had it in me

to give myself away like this.

I never thought I’d find someone

Who could take my breath away.

Someone who could love me for who I am,

And look past my mistakes.

I never thought I’d find someone

Who would stand by my side

Through all my up’s and downs

Someone who would give me

The benefit of the doubt,

Even when I was wrong.

I never knew that I could love anyone

As much as I love you.

I never believed I’d find someone

Who could love me,

As much as you do.

April 19, 2010

Regarding Jill

By Lar

So I go take a shower, shave, my head and face, then put on clean clothes since I was wearing sweats from starting to write around 3am, pretty stinky I correctly surmised, and I came back out. I felt better and sat back down to attack this stupid paragraph I should but am too stubborn to dump. Mail comes in from my buddy at a farm out-of-town. He is emailing while attending to breeding of cows by a recalcitrant bull btw. Now the only bball games I watch during the year are the finals. Sometimes just THE final. Just seems like such a waste of time to me at other times. Yeah I know I am not a true American! I don’t even have a big screen TV. So he knows this and sends me a video of Dave Letterman talking to the Butler head coach. You need to watch it. There are wonderful people in power in the land I keep getting reminded. Both these guys I admire for different reasons.

Anyway, I’m watching this and I start to weep. I mean just drop down drag out weeping. Head shaking, forget-to-breathe crying. Salty water draining into my keyboard. I would demand myself to stop and I would for all two seconds. Then away again. Probably fifteen minutes. Exhausted but weirdly refreshed. Not since Cas died had I wept like that. Although that was for days and this just for minutes. It seemed the same. Anyway I guess speaking of Jill and the waste of a life and family just hadn’t been appropriately dealt with I suppose. We think we deal with such things but. . . That’s what I figure anyway. She was the first and last woman I tried to save all those twenty-five years gone. But as I was telling a buddy who had just been left by his girlfriend not long ago, and who honestly hurt,

“If you loved her you will always love her! I really believe that. I know that hurts but it doesn’t mean you can’t love again dude! Quite the contrary, if you loved, really and truly loved, you will take that to your next love and be better for it.” He still hurts these weeks later but I think he successfully transferred his love back to his dog and it’s not as bad I think. Now I have altered guy-speak here for the sake of the reader, but I think it one of my better advices in a long line of failures. But I figure I believe it too. While Cas was my first true love, Jill was the first true human love. Plus she knew Cas as a puppy and loved him I believed as much as she was able to love anything which I appreciated and do even now.

Always back and forth about whether that love was or not wasted but then I realize it was real love. From a guy who never believed in it. So there was a lot going on there.

I have loved a time or two since somewhat more successfully. But always going on in a Himalayan distance corner of my suspect self is this argument.

Jeez you jerk if you only had done this, or given her more of that, or maybe complimented her more. . .‘but then that rightly goes away until sometime ‘round five years later and well. . . but then I wonder if I had taken Cas for more walks or let her jump gleefully for Frisbee or sparrow less often would she have possibly lived longer than the sixteen years she did. So what do I know.

Then I always wonder if everyone questions their roles in the lives of others. Perhaps that is what words and paper are for.

  1. Is this what made people mad? I don’t see anything wrong with it.

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