Posts Tagged ‘the written word’

From Short Funny Will Change Regularly

In the written word on March 24, 2010 at 12:48 am

April 11, today I am one hundred fifty-six (no this is not the joke!)

Not a joke per se but pretty cool and I am in a loving mood today!


*Field of love*
*Root of joy*
*Island of God*
*End of sorrows*
*Name of hope*
*Door of understanding*

OK relax here are the jokes. And damned fine ones if I do say.

How do you die of happiness


Two guys, John and Norm, were standing at the gates

of heaven, waiting to get in. Norm turns to John and
asks, “What did you do to get here?”
John says, “I froze to death. What about you?”
“I died of happiness.” Norm replies.
“How do you die of happiness?” asks John. “Well, I’ll
tell ya,” says Norm. “I came home from work the other
day and found that the house was cleaned from
top to bottom. I know my wife never cleans for me so
I thought: ‘She must be having an affair.’ I searched
the house from upstairs to the basement and couldn’t
find anyone. I didn’t think anything more about it.
Well yesterday, I came home and found a huge bouquet
of roses on the table and I knew I hadn’t gotten them
for my wife so she must be having an affair. Again I
searched the house from top to bottom and couldn’t
find anything. Today I came home and found a big
dinner cooked and waiting on the table. My wife never
cooks anything for me. I figured she must be having
an affair but I couldn’t find any evidence of it
after searching the house again and was sure I was
wrong about her. I was so overcome with happiness that
I died on the spot.”
John looked at Norm and said: “You IDIOT!!! If you
had just looked in the freezer, we would both be alive!”

Affair with a horse


Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the
electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed
and they weren’t mine.”

His second friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the
plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”

Paddy says: “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.” Both his
friends look at him with utter disbelief.

“No, I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”

Driving Home


Paddy, the famous Irishman, is driving home after downing a few at the
local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a
tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost
too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his

He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned
into a slalom course, causing him
to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees. Moments later
he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop.

The officer approaches Paddy’s car and asks him what on earth he
was doing. Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when
the officer stops him mid sentence and says.

“Fer cryin’ in the night, Paddy, that’s yer air freshener!”

Truck Driver


A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked
down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the
road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud “thud”, and then
he would swerve back on the road.

As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking,
he pulled over and asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?”
The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road. “I’ll give
you a lift.” The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck
driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer
walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last
minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back to
the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a
loud “thud.” Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his
mirrors. When he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said,
“I’m sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer.”

The priest replied, “That’s OK, I got him with the door.”

And one last one for this fine day in April 2010

My wife is pregnant


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

April 5, 2010 Little Johnny in the Garden

Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Little Johnny?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Little Johnny tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

As Little Johnny patted down the last heap of earth he then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your cat!”

Three Lunatics

If they can prove they are healthy they can go home .

The 3 lunatics are in a room with a doctor .

The doctor says : You all 3 see that door over there? If you can get outside through the door without touching it with your hands , you can go home.

1st  idiot : I’m going to get outside by jumping through the Key hole , he Runs ,  jumps and BAM!,  he jumps against the door.

2nd  idiot :  “I can do better” ,  so he goes back a bit  farther ,  Runs even faster ,  jumps and BAM! again against the door.

3rd  idiot : I’m the best doctor , I’m going to get out without touching it with my hands, He walks to the end of the room , Runs like he never ran before but at the last second he DOESN’T jump .

Doctor : Alright , why did you stop?

Idiot 3 :  I didn’t stop , I can’t jump through the key hole because the key is in the hole at the other side.

The doctor sent them all back to review their concepts of freedom.